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The tears puddle up in both my eyes

A blink away from dropping

But I can’t let that happen

I can’t let them see it

I can’t let them know

That the joy in me was all a big show

So I’m shutting my eyes a bit tighter

C’mon baby girl, you’ve always been quite the fighter

I is strong

I may be unwanted, mistreated, unappreciated, hated, tormented,

But I is strong

And that’s all that I have

All that I need to hold back the condensed form of depression momentarily pricking my eyes

Blurring my vision

Influencing my thoughts

Doubting my ability to stay focused

But they’ve got the wrong girl

The wrong girl is who they have got

I will not be like the others

Lock myself up and cry my life away

They fool themselves thinking that crying takes away the pain

Makes you feel better

I’ve been fooled once but, never again

Hold on young one, you’re going to make it through yet another day

I Swear I Won’t Cry

So, I’m still shutting my eyes tightly

Forcing my thoughts to become happy ones

Forcing my breathing to become normal and my jaw to stop vibrating

I’m forcing it all

Holding back the pain, hurt, misery, depression

Holding back the temptation to entertain my desolate and bereft feeling

Holding back my tears

Because if I don’t…

If I don’t fight as hard as I do

I might let a teardrop fall

And then another

And then a few more

Only a matter of seconds until my eyes mimic the nature of a waterfall

A matter of seconds until the tears come flooding out

Never ending and ever pouring

It’s the buildup of misery over the past years

Misery I hadn’t let anyone else see

Misery I had locked up in an old chest and thrown away the key

The misery behind my influential smile and contagious laugh

Like pure water flows out of the spring rocks

So will my tears flow

Unwanted and unstoppable they will be

Full of all the negative emotions they will be

Embarrassing they will be

Despite the fact that I am hiding behind closed doors

And not a soul in the world can see me in my fragile, emotional state

I will be abashed to know that I didn’t fight back hard enough

I will feel weak and helpless

Destroyed and hopeless

Because I was once a strong woman

And a fighter of emotions

Letting a tear escape from my tear glands and onto my cheek

Does nothing but prove that I have given in to emotional pain

And lost the title of a strong woman

But a strong woman is who I want to be

Who I have always been

So, a strong woman, I will continue to be

I Swear I Won’t Cry

 

Love,

A

x

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4 thoughts on “I swear I Won’t Cry.

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